Rejection, Fear, and Dating

By Devlyn Steele Life Coach Advice

Single again? As we travel through life, we often end up single. There are many reasons why. It could be the result of meeting the wrong person, death, cheating, lies, divorce, location, goals, and more. Losing a relationship impacts us in many ways. It can be very painful, or it can be very refreshing, or anywhere in-between. No matter what the cause or the degree of pain, there is one truth we all share: We don’t want to end up alone. We want to find companionship. In order to get into a new relationship, we have to be willing to meet and go out with people. It’s our own fear, however, that often gets in the way. × We fear getting rejected.

× We fear having a bad time.

× We fear getting hurt.

× We fear having to reject someone else.

All these fears are valid yet easily overcome. If someone rejects you, it only means that that person feels you are not right for them. Believe me, there is someone else who would love to be with you. You have to accept rejection. It is only through trying do we get to the right person.

Many dates and relationships don’t work out. You may look back and think of it as a bad time. It is all right to have a bad time. Only through bad dates do we get to the good dates. It is through our bad relationships that we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and what we want, to then approach relationships with more knowledge to succeed.

No one wants to get hurt but if we do not dare to fall in love and get hurt, we cannot be in love. Getting hurt is part of the process. We do get through it and the pain does go away. The best part is there is new love waiting for you.

You may also be fearful of rejecting someone. The truth is no one is obligated to stay with someone who isn’t right for them. Rejection is part of the dating and relationship process.

Change how you look at rejection and see it as a favor. When you reject someone you are releasing him or her to go find someone who will truly appreciate that person. Look at it that way also when someone rejects you. After all, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? It’s better to be free to find someone who actually wants to be with you.

Can you predict the future? I can’t. In fact, most of us don’t think we can. Yet we continue to believe in self-limiting thoughts about the future. We believe so firmly in these thoughts we allow them to stop us from moving forward and realizing opportunities.

Instead of predicting pain, I can predict for you that if you embrace the dating process instead of watching life pass you by, you will have both good and bad times. I can also predict that these good and bad times will lead you to even better times.

How To Write Headlines that Get Your Dating Profile Noticed.

In order for you to get other online daters to stop and read your profile you need to create an attention grabbing opening line, often referred to as a tagline or headline.

Do not underestimate the importance of having a headline. Besides your photo, it is one of the main factors in determining whether another dater will give your profile a second look.

Studies show that if online daters don't find anything to attract their attention in around 10 seconds or less, they move on to something else.

You probably do the same, we all do. Just think about this for a minute: When you read the newspaper or magazine, what draws your attention to a particular article or feature? Yes it's the headline. Its the headline that causes you to either keep reading or move on to another story or article.

Now you may not be consciously aware of this, but your mind filters out information that's not relevant to you, and at the same time you are drawn into information that is relevant and appealing. You are actually drawn in or away by the headline.

Which means your headline has just one job: To stop your reader in their tracks, and force them to read the second sentence of your ad.

There are two ways to apply this simple principle to your profile headline:

1. Using Self Interest Headlines - This type of Headline focuses on benefits that will interest the reader. It telegraphs the benefits that they will receive if they stick around. It is also very effective.

Online daters tend to scan through profile headlines and are only drawn to the ones that offer them a benefit of some sort. Understand that one of the things going through the readers mind is: "what in it for me?" If you can answer that question for them in your headline you will have grabbed their interest. So offer benefits, appeal to your readers desires and emotions and offer to fulfill their needs in your headline.

By doing this you will be able to bypass their mental filtering systems and get their full attention!

2. Using Curiosity Headlines – This type of headline arouses the readers’ curiosity so they are compelled to read further. Asking intriguing questions is a great way for you to achieve this and draw them in. Curiosity is one of the strongest emotive incentives. You should use it, and use it wisely.

When you arouse your readers curiosity, they will be compelled to read further into your profile. If you write with passion and emotion your readers will feel it to. Try to create the exact energy of what you want.

A great headline is not always about you. Remember this your readers won’t really give a damn about exactly what you are looking for or how tall or blonde you are unless it gratifies them to do so. You want to give them instant gratification. Give it to them with your headline.

A powerful headline takes advantage of your readers curiosity. Appeal to their emotions and watch your responses grow.

Here are a few guidelines on what to avoid.

1. Avoid anything with sexual connotations or innuendos like "sex goddess" or " great in bed"

2. Avoid obvious statements like "looking for true love" or "looking for soul-mate"

3. Avoid anything un-imaginative like "hi, I'm Gemma" or "hello, my name is Wayne"

4. Avoid pleading headlines like "please read my profile" or "please don't ignore me"

5. Avoid anything negative like "losers don't apply" or "no liars please"

When you take the above guidelines into consideration you will greatly increase the chances of your profile actually getting read!

Dealing With Rejection... In The Dating World

No matter how attractive or charming you may be – there will be people not interested in talking with, dating or getting into a relationship with you. This is a simple fact of life.

Some women like George Clooney but not Brad Pitt, some men like Cameron Diaz but not Angelina Jolie. Certain people like certain things - and if you don't appear to have those things - they're simply not interested. They key is to not let this rattle your self-confidence.

In the dating world you're going to face rejection. Unless you married the very first person you asked out, odds are you've had to face it. This is natural… not something to get too worried about. Some singles are filled with anger, embarrassment, anxiety, fear and shame when they're faced with any form of rejection, but this simply doesn't have to be - and shouldn't be - the case.

Remember, it's not a matter of if you'll face rejection in your dating life, but rather when and how will you deal with it. So, whether it's a first approach, first date or early into a relationship, whether you saw it coming or it hit you like an unexpected bombshell, there are some key ways of handling rejection and quickly overcoming it.

Don't take it personally
In many cases, the ‘so-called' rejection has nothing to do with you. They may be having a bad day and don't feel like having a conversation with someone new. They may cut it off after a second date because they just got fired and they're life is suddenly in crisis. They may break the relationship off because their unable to overcome their commitment issues. All you can do is give it your best shot and let the chips fall where they may. If you gave it your best shot – congratulate yourself on the effort – and move on.

Don't act out
People who are single the longest can't handle rejection. After a person rejects their attempt at conversation, they say, "That's okay you don't look that interesting anyway," and storm off. They end up looking petty, silly and foolish.

After a person rejects their attempt at conversation, a smart single says, "That's okay. But if you change your mind and want to have some engaging conversations – I'll be over there," and walks off with a smile on their face. This classy exit increases the likelihood of them being approach by not only the person, but all those around them.

Cancel any pity parties
A trap singles fall into is getting caught up in a pity party. They ask themselves, "Why did this happen to me?" They begin to question their self-worth. They start to second-guess themselves? They begin to develop a fear of the opposite sex. And they waste weeks, months, even years, dwelling on a rejection.

Be sure to cancel any pity parties no matter how bad you feel. They're simply not going to help you. Instead, have a party where you invite all your friends and some attractive singles and have a great time.

Remember why you're awesome
In times where you're facing rejection, it's important to remember what makes you awesome. Why your loved ones cherish your presence. Why anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Instead of dwelling on why something didn't work out, take a moment to write out a list of your positive traits instead. Keep your focus on the positive as much as you can because a positive outlook always earns positive results.

Keep positive
Handling rejection and overcoming it always involves keeping a positive attitude. A positive attitude helps prevent you from feeling sorry for yourself, prevents you from getting scared off, prevents you from taking it personally and keeps you looking at things from a proper perspective.

A person wasn't interested in talking with you - well go talk to another one. No second date - well go get another first date. Positive people don't let something as simple as a simple rejection ruin their day or slow their path to finding their special someone.

Reflect
If you face continual rejection it's important you step back and take a look at why that might be happening. Are you coming on too strong? Are you struggling to make conversation? Is it obvious you're nervous? A key part of improving your social skills is the ability to reflect… and evolve.

If you can find what you're doing wrong and quickly correct it you're not going to have to face as much rejection. So don't be afraid to step away from a situation, visualize what you were doing, find out what you did wrong, understand how to correct, they go out there and correct it..

Think of it as a favor
The worst thing that can happen in dating is not rejection, but to get strung along, thinking the person really likes you when they don't. If a first or second date doesn't turn into anything more, be thankful.

This may seem strange, but having one of you acknowledge an incompatibility early on - rather than later on - is a huge time-saver. The brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on to someone who is more appreciative of your time and energy.

Lastly…
Learning how to handling rejection without damaging your self-confidence – whether it's in the dating or business world – is an exceptionally valuable skill. You're not going to win at everything you do, but that doesn't mean you have to look bad doing it. Those who can handle rejection and not lose a skip in their step, find themselves not losing very often, because they have learned to hold their heads high no matter what. It's important everyone learn this skill.

Nothing is going to change the fact you're awesome – unless you stop believing it's true. No one can make you feel bad – but yourself. So don't let any sort of rejection – big or small – rattle your confidence level. Remember, you can't be everyone's idea of a perfect match. That wouldn't be fair to everyone else. But be sure of this, the man or woman of your dreams is out there. And the less time you spend worrying about or dwelling on rejection, the less time you'll have to find them.